'Cause it doesn't.
So since January I’ve been pretty down. Why? Because I can’t spend time with Matt. It’s pretty much that simple. He got his job down in Guildford, and I knew anyway it’d be a hard relationship because of university for me and gap year for him…and he just needed a job. So he got this job and is on shit wage and living in a pimped-out shipping container.
So I’ve been worried about him, and how he has to work for his holiday time. It seems every day he works he earns half a day off work. We still don’t even know about Expo, since he couldn’t get time off in April to come see me…so with his one day off work he’s going to try and trek from the other side of London to Wiltshire to spend time with me - if he can of course. He should get Expo off, he said he couldn’t work then when he applied.
What hasn’t helped though from January through to now has been my sex drive. Yes. Dirty things. Some people know how bad said drive is, and for all those PG people out there I won’t go too much into it. Back to said drive, it’s something that is pretty much ‘on’ 24/7. I may talk about it to some people who don’t mind the conversation, but otherwise I’m in a constant state of rigid control. If I didn’t, then a lot of people wouldn’t be talking to me right now. If the drive does not meet it’s ‘requirements’ however, I sink into some weird depressive rut…and I have. Sometimes on weekends I’d just randomly start crying, and it’s not because I’m PMSing. I don’t like crying. I see it as a stupid weakness…but that’s just the inner bitch talking again, so we’ll ignore her.
So in the rut I want to jump people. I don’t thankfully, but I really want to. I also do a lot of thinking, and said thinking finally shown itself today.
Matt and I are on a break. I know it’s not a break-up and so now this probably isn’t as bad as you may of thought it’d be, but it really hurts. I’ve never heard someone cry so much down the phone, poor thing. Course since people in the house hopefully think I’m single, I can’t start bursting out crying and spazzing about how I’m so sad and all that shit. So I have to limit myself to only crying a little bit. Just a tiny bit. Which still hurts because I don’t feel like I’m being honest, though I think he knows I’d rather of a, said to this to him in person; and b, cried my heart out.
The break was best because I’ve a lot of things to sort out about myself which I can’t do in a relationship - which is why I broke up with my ex back in October…yeah, October. Then I jumped into another relationship over a month later. I don’t want my relationship with Matt to be a rebound relationship at all, because I had one a long time ago and it was crap. With the stress from university - which was another factor with ex - I’m finding it hard to write and cope right now with everything. I’ve thought about taking the Cerezette contraceptives again as well, because that killed my drive for a year and a half. Just then I’d have to go back on the migraine medication which doesn’t compensate for anything. So I’m going to leave it.
When I see him though, we’re going to pick stuff up again, like be together…but in terms of the times we see each other it’ll be weird. I mean:
- Maybe in April for a day (or so).
- Friday-Sundy at the end of May at Expo.
- Maybe a few days over June/July.
- Nearly the whole of August.
Then after that he starts his first year of uni and I’ll be in my last. He’ll be there for four years. Going to Japan for one of them. By that time I’ll hopefully be working. Though he’d be in Oxford which isn’t too far away to Wiltshire, it’s still a trek, will still cost money and dependant on whether I get a job. I know he’ll have to work to survive at university, and so that will cut our time down a lot as well. In some ways, it just seems to be that there’s nothing on our side at all, and it was doomed from the beginning.
I don’t know when I’ll start sorting myself out, because there’s a lot I need to think about. With the big 21 looming ever-closer (only a week and a day to go), it’s making me just feel old and depressed even more. I remember I was excited to be 20 last year. Now it’s just another year, another step closer to death. Maybe that’s what happens when you get to nearly 21. You start getting old and thinking things like drapes and curtains are interesting. You sit and talk about carpet swatches or start to find floors interesting. Next I’ll look down and find a child staring up at me and realise I’m 32 with two kids, a broken foot and I’ve put on 5 stone.
I don’t know what I’ll find on this break. I don’t know what will happen. All I know is my eyes are prickly and I can feel them watering again. Thank god I’ve a cold and cough. Least I can hide it with that.